So…it’s been over a year

It’s been well over a year since the last time I posted anything here. For the most part, that year has been pretty uneventful in the romance department. A couple hookups, a couple crushes, falling in love with yet another best friend (I’m over it now, thank god). We’ll call him Clark Kent.

At least that was how it was until the end of April.

I’ll start sort of at the beginning. A few months ago I started noticing the new cook at my favorite bar/restaurant. He was cute, but didn’t seem particularly social. I wasn’t sure if he was married, gay, gay and married, or what, but just sort of dismissed it.

Finally, this spring, a friend and I struck up a conversation with him after his shift ended one night. Chatted for a couple hours, even after my friend left. Fast forward a bit…he asks my friend out. She declines, as she was hanging out with someone else who works at the same place and thought it would be awkward.

He and I chat at the bar most nights I’m there when he gets done work. Finally one night he invites me to go hang out with him and his friend who also works in the kitchen. I go, because why not?

We end up making out in his kitchen that night. Very PG-rated. First time I’ve made out with a new dude who didn’t immediately get handsy in…forever? It was a nice change.

Then he didn’t seem particularly interested. Still chatted at the bar, but didn’t seem like he cared to do more than that.

A week later, I had literally The Worst Day At Work Ever™ and ended up booty calling him. Did the classic “wanna watch a movie or something sometime?” message, which very quickly turned into watching a movie that night. We made it three minutes into the movie before we went upstairs.

I was good with it just being a booty call. He was cute, but I didn’t think he was all that interesting or really even my type. And I’d heard rumors that he had some serious shit in his past.

A few days later he invited me over to watch a show I’d mentioned wanting to see (points for remembering I had mentioned it). I went over, we watched two episodes of the show while cuddling on the couch, and then ended up upstairs again.

We went from seeing each other a couple times a week to seeing each other every day. Then I went out of town for 5 days, and he wanted me to come over the night I got back rather than waiting till the next day, even though he’d ended up having to work a 12-hour shift that day.

We see each other most nights now. He only lives 10 minutes away, which makes it easy. On nights he works, I go over after he gets done. But on the weekends or on days he has off, we often end up spending the whole day together. I spent the night for the first time last weekend. I’m not good at sharing a bed with another person, but it was still nice.

Last weekend was also the first time we sort of went on a date that didn’t involve a bed or couch or tv. Forty minutes after I left his house the morning after I spent the night, he messaged me to see if I wanted to go with him shopping and then out to lunch.

It sounds so cliched, but he feels like home to me. All of my usual commitment issues, my “I don’t know if I want a boyfriend” doubts are gone. I would commit to him if he asked. It feels like we’re headed in that direction, but I don’t know. And now I’m so smitten with him that I’m afraid to ask in case I’ve read him all wrong.

I think I’m falling in love. I think he might be, too. The other night we went from what felt like just fucking to something that felt more like making love.

We have plans to maybe hang out tonight (he’s going out for drinks after work, so it depends on what time he heads home and whether I’m still awake or not), but then definitely tomorrow (he’s cooking) and Sunday (I’m cooking).

The only real downside is that we’re keeping all of this quiet at his work. Which is kind of awkward since I’m friends with people he works with (one person there knows that he and I are seeing each other, but also knows that we’re not broadcasting it). But there’s also a ton of gossip that happens there, so I understand him wanting to keep things quiet for now. I hope at some point things will get serious enough that we’ll be more public about it.

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I keep meeting all the wrong guys

I know, I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written anything.  I’m not going to go into everything that’s happened since the last time I posted, but I will fill you in on a couple of things.

I’m still incredibly smitten with The Artist. We’ve hung out and had coffee a handful of times, but he lives a couple hours away, so we don’t get together all that often. I know he’s been seeing other people, and so have I, and I have no idea if it’s ever going to move beyond coffee.

I asked him if we  could  make time to really hang out sometime, rather than always squeezing it in between all of our other commitments when I happen to be in town. And he agreed. But I don’t know if he gets that I’m interested, or if he thinks it’s just a friend thing. I guess I’ll find out when we actually hang out.

But that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is that I keep meeting completely the WRONG men. As in, men who are attached.  The first one was my friend’s new guy’s friend. It was totally accidental that we met. He happened to be in town, and  we happened to all run into each other at the bar. And he and I just totally hit it off. Nothing happened, but I think it was obvious to everyone around that there was chemistry. But he has a girlfriend and lives 3+ hours away. So that one’s out.

Then Thursday night I was hanging out with a friend from high school who’s in town. We were at the bar at the ski resort where she’s staying and I ended up sitting next to these two guys from  Canada. One of them I had noticed as soon as he walked into the place (I’m gonna call him Toronto), and we totally had an eye contact moment. So then when I figured out  he’d taken a seat right next to where I was sitting, I definitely had a butterflies moment.

We ended up chatting a lot. Even danced together. And of course, since it was loud, there was lots of leaning in to talk so we could hear each other. And any time he wanted to get my attention  he’d tap my thigh. And he definitely found other excuses to touch me (like, the normal not-creepy kind of thing, not  like groping me). The downside, of course, was that he was wearing  a wedding ring. The worst part is that he  totally kept the flirting to a level appropriate for a married man on vacation. Which of course just makes him hotter. But of course I’m not going to pursue a married man.

I went back the next night, but his wife was there, so I avoided him (and he did the same). I was  definitely bummed, though. All I have is a first name, an age, and the city in which he lives.  But it’s better that way. He’s married, presumably happily, and he lives many many hours away. So it’s not like it would go anywhere. But seriously, this guy was basically perfect.

Hot. Very smart. Amazing sense of humor. Reasonably good dancer. Excellent taste in music. A great conversationalist. And did I mention hot?

I just want to meet a nice guy who’s into me who’s  single.  Is that too much to ask????

Crushing harder than ever!!!

I totally got to hang out with The Artist today! I went to see his exhibit with some friends, and totally asked him to come with. My friends bailed after like 15 minutes (before The Artist even showed up), so when he got there it was just the two of us. We were going to go meet up with them, but then decided to go get coffee instead.

It’s like instant intimacy. We don’t really flirt, we just get into these deep conversations. Which is awesome, but I guess might also mean he’s friend-zoning me.

Either way, I’m crushing on him harder than ever. He’s just this amazing guy, and he’s incredibly nice, and incredibly talented. I guess I’m feeling really self-conscious at the moment. I’ve been stress-eating all summer, so I’m definitely quite a bit heavier than I’d like to be (which will be remedied soon, as the main sources of my stress are pretty much wrapped up and I can get back on the healthy bandwagon). I guess I feel like someone as amazing and talented as he is has a lot of options, and like maybe I don’t measure up. Which I know logically is stupid, and that I’m awesome, but until I know if my feelings are returned at all, I know I’m going to feel insecure about it. And he comes across as the kind of guy who would take things very, very slow. Which is okay, just not something I’m used to…

Crushes are agony!!!

It’s been about a week since my crush on The Artist began. And he hasn’t interacted with anything I’ve done on Facebook since Friday! Gah!

I hate crushes. With a fiery passion. They’re great for about the first two days. Then they just suck.

I’m going to see his art exhibit this weekend. I’m going to message him a day or two before and ask him if he wants to make me look cool by grabbing a beer or something after with my friends and me. Fingers crossed he’ll say yes.

I’m frantically doing tarot readings and pendulum dowsing to see if I have a future with him. I know it’s not real, I know it’s kind of pointless, but it’s all I have at the moment. 😦

I met someone…

I went to a creative workshop thing this past weekend, and hung out with 50 or so of the most incredibly talented people. It was a wonderful four days. And during that four days, I met someone that I am seriously crushing on right now. And I think there’s a 50-50 chance the feeling is mutual.

He’s an artist (hereby known as The Artist), writer, and filmmaker, and former bank robber and drug trafficker (not even kidding on that one). He’s absolutely brilliant, incredibly kind, and very cute. And I’m pretty sure every woman there was a little bit in love with him by the end of the four days.

Anyway, here are the highlights of my interactions with him…

  1. He winked at me numerous times. I didn’t notice if he winked at others. None that I noticed.
  2. He showed me and a couple of the other women I was hanging out with some of his art, and kept looking at me while doing it, more than the other two (I think).
  3. We totally bonded over ex-con stories (a close family member of mine spent many years in prison).
  4. He asked for (and followed) my beer recommendations (I gathered he wasn’t a big beer drinker, or at least not craft beers).
  5. We sat together at the final post-workshop dinner. And chatted the whole time.
  6. When the person giving him a ride after wanted to leave early, he made a point to stay (I ended up giving him a ride, along with a couple others).
  7. When sitting at the bar after dinner, we ended up with our knees touching for well over an hour. Every time one of us would shift and our knees would stop touching, they were right back together within like a minute.
  8. He kept looking at me with the best look in his eye. Like, that meme that goes around that tells you to love someone who looks at you like you’re magic…yeah, that’s the look. Or at least that’s what it felt like.
  9. When we said our goodbyes, as I was dropping him off, he reached out and kind of grabbed my arm to get my attention to give him a hug before I left. Not that I had any intention of leaving without giving him a hug.
  10. He’s been liking a lot of things I post, including suggestive things (a rather dirty poem) and things about having crushes.

I’m going to go see his art exhibit one of these weekends. I’m hoping if I message him the night before to let him know I’m going, he’ll offer to meet me there, or meet up after. He lives a little less than 2 hours away, which is reasonable for dating (The Bro lived in the same town).

And since Silver Fox hasn’t texted me for TWO WEEKS, I’m not putting too much stock in that one at the moment. If he can’t put the effort in to respond to my texts once in awhile, I’m not sure there’s much future there…

An interesting turn of events…

I finally broke things off for good with The Bro. He made one too many asshole comments and I finally just lost it. Plus, I got sick of everything being about him, and on his schedule, and based on his wants. So I finally told him to fuck off (literally, that’s what I said).

So I’ve been talking to Silver Fox since May. We’ve had tentative plans a couple times, but they kept falling through. Finally, this past Thursday, he texted me in the morning and asked me to come see him. And by some miracle I actually had the time to do it.

So we hung out for about an hour and a half. Ended up in bed together of course, but most of that time was actually spent cuddling and talking. And we kind of decided to put sex on hold for a bit, and just hang out. We’re going to try to get together when we can (which will mostly be weekdays, during the day when his son is in school, at least until next month). And we talked about meeting in between for lunch or whatever.

We also decided that we’re going to be sexually exclusive (provided we can actually make it work and see each other somewhat regularly). I had told him that was necessary if we were going to forgo condoms, and he agreed that that was fine with him. I also found out he hasn’t slept with anyone in the time we’ve been talking again. It wasn’t something we had talked about. I’ve gone out with other guys during that time, but haven’t even come close to sleeping with anyone.

So…Silver Fox and I are exclusive, and I guess we’re going to try the whole actually dating thing. I’m terrified. I’m so into him, and I’m so afraid he’s not that into me. I know only time will tell, but I’m terrified in the meantime.

Oh, and Plaid Hipster has apparently been liking stuff I’ve posted on Pinterest. Which has me feeling very strange, after the shit he put me through earlier this year. I guess I’m afraid it’s going to be a precursor to him trying to get in touch again. And I don’t know how I’d react if he did.

Never realized anyone could be so cruel…

This will hopefully be my last-ever updated on Plaid Hipster and his skanky girlfriend (I was going to use a stronger word than that, but I’m going to be as lady-like as I can manage).

I had some big personal news this week and messaged him about it. Nothing flirty, nothing overly-friendly. Just told him the news since he was around when the ball initially got rolling on it. We had a pleasant conversation about it.

So then this afternoon I noticed I had a message in my “other” folder. It was from her (from before he had replied to my message, but after he had read it). And it straight-up attacked me. I know, looking back, that I should have just ignored it. I should have taken the high ground and just forgotten all about it. But I didn’t. I lashed out.

Let me tell you: I don’t think I could ever be as cruel to anyone as she and then he were to me. He knew every insecurity I had (particularly about my body) and he used them. And on top of that he told her, so she could use them against me. It was like everything he said was no big deal with my body that I was always a little grossed out by, he turned around and said was absolutely disgusting and sickening. Basically, every girl’s worst nightmare.

I’ve never been more humiliated and traumatized in my life. I’m still crying about it, hours later. They were the cruelest, most hurtful things anyone could have possibly said to me. Because he knew they were things I was worried about anyway. He knew they were things that would crush me. And he took advantage of that.

I don’t know how I was ever involved with someone who could be so incredibly cruel. I would never dream of saying things that were that hurtful to another human being. And I also hate myself for letting it get to me.

I also found out that he was already dating this other girl for almost 3 weeks before he dumped me. Including for over 10 days before the last time we slept together. He of course lied to her about this. I sent her a text he sent me almost a week before they started dating talking about how much he missed me, etc. She never replied after that, but he just got nastier to me. I finally told him to just leave me alone. I hope he will now.

And around the same time all of this was happening, I figured out that Silver Fox was pissed at me. I sent him a snarky message when I came across his POF profile. I shouldn’t have sent it. But it honestly really freaked me out and hurt my feelings when I saw it. Especially since he used the photo he sent me the other day that I said was my new favorite. It stressed me out so bad I actually threw up.

Well, he didn’t take too kindly to it. I guess it actually turned him off. We texted a bit about it. I sent him a pic of my boobs (not the first one). And I stupidly told him I wanted to see where things went with him. And he didn’t reply. So I’m sure I’ll get the whole “I don’t think we should see each other” text sometime in the next few days.

There are a couple other guys I’ve been talking to. But who knows if they’ll go anywhere. After all the things Plaid Hipster said to me today, I’m really doubting myself and wondering why anyone would possibly want me.

Awkward…and even more going on…

I texted Plaid Hipster a couple weeks ago and told him I missed him. Stupid move on my part, but I just had to get it off my chest. We’d been texting a little bit about stuff, but nothing major. I was kind of trying to re-establish a friendship, I guess. And honestly, with the hope that if/when things don’t work out with his current girlfriend, that we might try again.

Well, last week after I messaged him asking about some of my stuff, he sent me a really mean reply and told me to move on. I went off on him. But I think I needed that, because I think I needed to have that one final blow out fight to get over him. And I think I am mostly over him now. Of course he messaged me yesterday to apologize for the way he treated me. He said I didn’t deserve it. And I told him that he was right, that I didn’t deserve it, but I thanked him for apologizing. Either way, I still think I’m over him.

Saturday night I hung out with Vixen and we ended up drunk-texting Drummer Boy. He was a good sport about it. I behaved myself, other than the cleavage pic she insisted we send him. I sort of lied and said I didn’t realize it was for him. At the end of the night, I ended up making out with my bartender friend, who I’m going to call Mayday (after Sam Malone from Cheers). He’s been sort of trying to date me for awhile, but I had pretty much firmly established the friend line with him. But I guess I was just feeling lonely, so we made out. Except it was horrible. It reminded me of those middle-school make-outs that were all tongues and slobber and not that fun. I was hoping that even though I knew there wasn’t going to be a spark, that there would at least be some hotness to it. But nope. It was just bad.

We went to brunch this morning and things seemed okay. So hopefully he gets that was a one-off thing and not something I’d want to do again.

I’m still talking to Silver Fox, though still have no solid plans to actually hang out again. We do have some incredibly hot text conversations, though. So hopefully it’ll happen soon.

And I have two guys I’m talking to on POF. I’m hopefully going to meet up with one of them this week. We’ll call him Poly Chef (he’s polyamorous, but at least he was up front about it and seems like he truly is, not just a guy using that as an excuse to screw around and avoid commitment). We’ve been chatting for a little over a week. He seems really sweet.

The other guy I just started talking to last night. He currently lives about 2 hours away, but just got a job offer near here and is thinking he’ll take it. He’s in the medical field, so I’m going to call him McDreamy. He sent me a dick pic, which was unexpected, but not unappreciated. We stayed up until 2am texting. He seems super into me, but I always take these things with a grain of salt. I’ve had too many guys who seem super interested, but are then disappointed when we meet.

Which brings me to the date I went on a couple weeks ago. We seemed to kind of hit it off messaging. I wasn’t sure about his photos, but he wasn’t hideous or anything. So we agreed to meet up for dinner. I could see when I walked in that he was disappointed. It only flashed across his face for a second, but it was there. We had a decent enough time, but nothing spectacular. He paid for dinner at least, which was nice. We texted once the following day, but that was it. I haven’t heard from him since. Which is fine. I wasn’t feeling it either.

So I have a lot of potentially good things happening, but nothing concrete yet. I’m betting more on Silver Fox at this point (at least I know he’s not going to be disappointed when he sees me, since he’s seen me naked before), although McDreamy seems like he might be promising. And I think Silver Fox is only interested in being fuck buddies, not more. Which I can handle, I guess, but I do kind of wish a guy like him actually wanted to date me. But whatever, I’ll take what I can get at this point. And it’s not like he’s not respectful and sweet. He is. He’s just not interested in taking things further. But hey, if I’ve got to have just a fuck buddy, I can’t think of a better person for it to be.

Too much going on…

About a week and a half ago, I told The Bro to get lost. That was on a Thursday. He basically said that he didn’t care about what I had going on in my life, so I told him that we were done.

That Sunday, Silver Fox texted me. It was the funniest thing. I had woken up thinking about him that morning, and was in the shower when I heard a text notification. I figured it was either The Bro (he never goes away when I tell him to) or one of my girl friends. So it was a nice surprise when I saw his name on my screen. It was the usual “Hey how are you, something made me think of you” kind of thing, which I hoped was fishing to find out if I was single. We chatted, and it very quickly turned into sexting (as it always does with us). We haven’t gotten together yet, but I’m hoping we will this week. We’re talking lunch dates, since that seems to work best with our schedules.

So then The Bro texted me yesterday morning, and somehow convinced me to hang out with him again. He brought me flowers, which was nice. I honestly think it’s been about ten years since anyone other than family has given me flowers. Well, except for the vet when I had to euthanize my cat a couple years ago. It was supposed to be just as friends, but of course we ended up fooling around a little. He still won’t kiss me, though. We have nothing in common, but we still seem to have fun sometimes. He was less irritating yesterday than he has been in the past. I make such bad decisions when I’m lonely.

I still miss Plaid Hipster like crazy. I hope that will pass when I actually hook up with someone else. Which will hopefully be this week. I accidentally liked one of his photos on Instagram last week, a selfie he posted. I was just scrolling through liking pics of cute bearded guys and liked his without thinking about it. So then a couple days ago he liked one of my Instagram photos. I wish he’d text me. Or something. But I know it’s probably not a good idea. The only way I’d be willing to reconcile with him is if we went to therapy, or at least if he went to therapy to figure out some better coping mechanisms.

I’ve also been talking to his guy on POF, but I don’t know if that’s going anywhere. He might be too pretentious for me. But we’ll see. He’s quite a bit older (mid-40s), and hasn’t ever been married or anything, which is kind of a red flag for me.

Back to square one…

Last night did not go as planned.

I went to see Chandler Bing’s band play. Drove 45 minutes each way to get there. It was a great show as usual. He chatted for a minute during their set break, gave me a hug, etc. There were a couple of like 22-year-olds flirting with him, but they left before the end of the night, so I wasn’t too worried about it.

I stuck around till the end, because he had a CD for me from one of his other bands. I waited for them to finish, told him that I was gonna head out, and he said the CD was in his car. I was thinking that was perfect, because I was hoping we’d have a minute alone.

We walked to his car, and stood around and talked for a few minutes. I told him he should come over and watch this horror movie with me, which turned into us talking about how our houses are haunted.

There was a moment, while we were chatting, that I almost thought we were going to kiss. But it didn’t happen. And I guess that moment was all in my head.

I messaged him when I left (like, while the car was warming up) to say that I had wanted to kiss him.

And he didn’t respond. Like, at all. He read the message (Facebook’s read receipt for it changed between last night and this morning, one showing he read it immediately and one a couple hours later). And he just didn’t answer. I messaged again this morning and apologized if I made things weird. Still no response.

So I guess I completely fucked that one up. I’m really bummed about it. I like him a lot. He’s cute and funny and nice and talented. Pretty much everything I’m looking for. And now I feel weird about even being friends with him.

Music Mouse is ignoring me. I thought it might have been because CB was interested in me, but I guess not. So I don’t know why he’s not speaking to me.

Plaid Hipster finally read the rest of my messages today, but never responded. I’m not surprised. Hurt, but not surprised. I guess I was hoping that he would. I guess I hoped he’d actually want to talk to me.

At this point I feel like I’m out of options. The Bro is all that’s left. So I guess I’ll go out with him again tomorrow. At least it’s a distraction. Sort of.