Not Ready…

I thought I was ready to get back into the whole dating thing. But it’s still bringing up a lot of old, bad habits. So for now, I’m focusing on not dating.

Of course, every time I’ve done that in the past, I end up meeting someone great within a month (sometimes a week). But fingers crossed that doesn’t happen this time.

Because I’m honestly just not in a good place to date. I’ve got too many things I’m still working out, including how to be a good partner. And until I get a handle on how I react to being with someone else, I need to avoid getting involved and hurting someone.

I’ve been building some really solid friendships with men, though. A couple of guys who hang out at my favorite bar decided to hang out and chat with me on Friday night. Neither of them are single, and neither of them was flirting, but it was nice to just hang out with dudes who were interesting and engaged in the actual conversation.

Saturday night I hung out with more guy friends. Went back to one of their places to hang out, just me and five dudes. But it was fun. No pressure, no pretense. Just hanging out and shooting the shit. I need more of that.



Went to see a friend’s band pay Friday night with some friends. And of course, The Yogi showed up there with his girlfriend. It kind of threw me, since I’d basically said I didn’t want to run into them out together. But he and I acted like friends, and chatted some. They ended up getting into an argument or something and he left alone (from what I gathered, she was flirting with a lot of other guys, all of whom were much younger than him). I tried to get him to invite me over, but he had to get up early the next morning.

I’m hoping they break up again. Because as much as I’m trying my damndest not to fall for him, I know I’m going to. And at least if they’ve broken up he and I could stop sneaking around.


Still In Love With Someone Else…

During the spring and summer of 2018, I got involved with a friend’s ex-boyfriend (they broke up years ago, but it was a pretty nasty break). Before he and I did anything, I sent her a message confessing that I had a crush on him and that I didn’t want things to be awkward. She stopped speaking to me. (We did finally start speaking to each other after a few months, but we’re definitely not as close as we were and I doubt we ever will be again.)

So this guy, I’m going to call him Chrome Book, was amazing. But he was also going through a divorce when we started seeing each other. I fell hard and I fell fast for him. Everyone knew we were hanging out. And things went fine until he got his final divorce papers to sign. And then it was like he freaked out over the idea of being involved with someone before his divorce was even final.

We split up, and then a month later we ran into each other and ended up hanging out two nights in a row. The second night I could tell there was still something there, and at one point we were standing by the bar together talking to a mutual friend and he put his hand on my back. He walked me to my car and we ended up hugging and just couldn’t let go of each other. He finally kissed me and told me that he’d waited in the parking lot for an hour the night before, hoping I’d text him to tell him to come over.

So that night I did tell him to come over. He came over and we talked and had sex and poured out all of our feelings and he told me that he loved me (he wasn’t “in love” but he definitely loved me) and I told him I loved him. And we knew it was going to be complicated but we basically didn’t care. We knew better but we couldn’t stop being together.

That lasted a few weeks, but I was going through a lot of stuff and ended up flipping out because he couldn’t give me what I needed (he was clear that he couldn’t from the start, I just refused to listen). I sent him a really nasty text message and he cut me out of his life completely.

I didn’t see him for almost five months. I tried to talk to him after work one day but he refused to talk to me.

I finally started going to trivia at the bar where we met this winter (and had played trivia at together last year). He was there and after a few awkward minutes it was like everything was back to normal. Except he’s seeing someone else now. She isn’t local and wasn’t there, but a mutual friend told me that weekend.

The second time I saw him he took my hand and told me how great it was that we were hanging out again and talking. And when I saw him that weekend it was just like things were last March when we were first talking, before we started hooking up. Except I’m so completely in love with him that it makes the guy from the summer before look like puppy love.

And then a mutual friend brought up his girlfriend and I almost started crying in front of him. I didn’t, and as soon as he was distracted talking to his kid’s teacher, I left without saying goodbye to him.

I figured out I can’t really be around him. That was before Christmas and I’ve avoided him ever since. I sent him one text message just saying that I was glad we were speaking again. Things are too easy and too natural and too comfortable around him. And I know I’ll cross a line at some point and I can’t do that if he’s seeing someone else. Because it either ruins our friendship when he rejects me, or it ruins the chances that we could ever have something real if he doesn’t.

Because while I’ve admitted to being the other woman, both in the past and in the present, when I’m with someone I don’t cheat. And I don’t want to be cheated on. And if he’s willing to cheat on her, then I’d always have it in the back of my head that he might cheat on me. Except I don’t think he would cheat on her. So I’d just look like an asshole.

And yet, I’ve come up with an idea for how he and I could work together a bit. I’m working on a silent art auction fundraiser in a few months and am going to ask him to submit a piece of art for it. I don’t know if he will or not, but it’s at least an excuse to have a conversation. I want him to be part of my life, I just need to make sure I can handle it.

In other news…messaged The Yogi earlier today but didn’t hear back. Told him I’d be at our usual bar tomorrow night (not that he ever shows up) and asked him if there was any chance we could hang out again this Friday. Sometimes it takes him a day to reply, so I’ll just leave it alone. Maybe he’ll show up tomorrow night unexpectedly. Probably not. But I do know I can’t push if I want this to continue. And for now, at least, I do want it to continue.


How To Be The Other Woman

There’s this guy. Isn’t there always?

We met almost a year ago (St. Patrick’s Day, to be exact), and I was immediately attracted to him (let’s call him The Yogi). I thought it was mutual, but then we just sort of didn’t really have much to do with each other after dancing together that night and then being formally introduced a few days later by a mutual friend.

But we saw each other off and on all summer and fall at my (new) favorite bar. And we’d chat and maybe do a little light flirting here and there. But he was seeing someone, so I kind of wrote him off.

But then they split up and he and I started flirting a lot more. And dancing together. And one night things got kind of hot and heavy on the dance floor and he wanted me to go home with him. I refused that night, but he did walk me to my car and we ended up making out on the sidewalk.

A week later we met up at the same place and hung out, and that night I did go home with him. But I refused to have sex with him. We just fooled around.

Things were fine for a couple days, but then I could tell something was up. He got very noncommittal. Then I heard from mutual friends that he’d been seen out with his ex again. We ran into each other a couple weeks later and made plans to go away for a weekend to Montreal together.

And then those plans fizzled. He apologized for making empty promises and told me that his heart was in the right place, but he just couldn’t commit to it. And eventually he told me that he and his ex were definitely back together.

Fast forward to this past weekend. I was giving him shit for avoiding me a few days before and he claimed he wasn’t. So Friday night he showed up at the bar. And we chatted and flirted and got talking about beer. He was telling me about all the beer he had in his fridge at home, and I said I was jealous and had no beer at home. He said that he’d invite me back to his place for a beer but didn’t know where that would lead. And I assured him that we could just have a beer and behave.

So I went back to his place. And while we did behave for awhile, I think we both knew it was inevitable that we’d end up fooling around. And this time I did have sex with him. For hours. I ended up throwing my back out in the process, but that did not stop us. I told him I wasn’t crazy about being a sidepiece.

And yet here I am, a sidepiece. The other woman. I said no more secret or semi-secret relationships. And here I am in the ultimate secret relationship. I’m already deflecting. A friend who was at the bar and who I’m pretty sure knew I left with The Yogi, texted me the next night to ask how everything went the night before. I was just like “What do you mean?” and then changed the subject.

But anyway, on to the point of this: how to be the other woman. It’s both not that hard and one of the hardest things to do.

  1. Do not, under any circumstances, fall in love. This one is important, because of the next one.
  2. Do not ever expect him to leave her for you. Chances are he won’t. And if he does, do you really want an affair to be the start of your relationship?
  3. Keep your mouth shut about the whole thing. Never tell anyone who knows both of you or lives near you. In fact, talk about other guys when any mutual friends are around.
  4. Don’t make demands. Take what you can get.
  5. Be careful about messaging. Facebook messenger is actually great for this because you can archive conversations without actually deleting them. Then they don’t show up in your normal message list so no one can notice his name in your message list.
  6. Turn off message previews on your phone’s lock screen.
  7. Invest in a password-protected photo app and if you take any photos together, save them there and delete them from your phone’s camera roll and cloud backups.
  8. Don’t stalk him on social media. If you’re friends, don’t interact with things he posts on anything resembling a regular basis. Don’t get jealous of things he posts with his girlfriend, either.
  9. You don’t get holidays or special occasions. Not your birthday, not Valentine’s Day, not Christmas or New Year’s Eve. So just get that idea out of your head before it even starts.
  10. When you start to develop feelings, end things. Seriously. Even if the only way you can do that is to ghost him.

I know these rules. Once before, a few years ago, I was the other woman for someone who lived a few hours away. I had no problems not falling for him, because I knew he was pretty sleazy from the start (and thankfully I never actually slept with him).

But with The Yogi…50/50 chance I’m going to break some of these rules. Especially the first and last ones. Because I wanted to actually date him prior to him getting back together with his ex. Would I date him now? Probably not. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to fall for him and have a very hard time breaking things off when that happens…



So…it’s been over a year

It’s been well over a year since the last time I posted anything here. For the most part, that year has been pretty uneventful in the romance department. A couple hookups, a couple crushes, falling in love with yet another best friend (I’m over it now, thank god). We’ll call him Clark Kent.

At least that was how it was until the end of April.

I’ll start sort of at the beginning. A few months ago I started noticing the new cook at my favorite bar/restaurant. He was cute, but didn’t seem particularly social. I wasn’t sure if he was married, gay, gay and married, or what, but just sort of dismissed it.

Finally, this spring, a friend and I struck up a conversation with him after his shift ended one night. Chatted for a couple hours, even after my friend left. Fast forward a bit…he asks my friend out. She declines, as she was hanging out with someone else who works at the same place and thought it would be awkward.

He and I chat at the bar most nights I’m there when he gets done work. Finally one night he invites me to go hang out with him and his friend who also works in the kitchen. I go, because why not?

We end up making out in his kitchen that night. Very PG-rated. First time I’ve made out with a new dude who didn’t immediately get handsy in…forever? It was a nice change.

Then he didn’t seem particularly interested. Still chatted at the bar, but didn’t seem like he cared to do more than that.

A week later, I had literally The Worst Day At Work Ever™ and ended up booty calling him. Did the classic “wanna watch a movie or something sometime?” message, which very quickly turned into watching a movie that night. We made it three minutes into the movie before we went upstairs.

I was good with it just being a booty call. He was cute, but I didn’t think he was all that interesting or really even my type. And I’d heard rumors that he had some serious shit in his past.

A few days later he invited me over to watch a show I’d mentioned wanting to see (points for remembering I had mentioned it). I went over, we watched two episodes of the show while cuddling on the couch, and then ended up upstairs again.

We went from seeing each other a couple times a week to seeing each other every day. Then I went out of town for 5 days, and he wanted me to come over the night I got back rather than waiting till the next day, even though he’d ended up having to work a 12-hour shift that day.

We see each other most nights now. He only lives 10 minutes away, which makes it easy. On nights he works, I go over after he gets done. But on the weekends or on days he has off, we often end up spending the whole day together. I spent the night for the first time last weekend. I’m not good at sharing a bed with another person, but it was still nice.

Last weekend was also the first time we sort of went on a date that didn’t involve a bed or couch or tv. Forty minutes after I left his house the morning after I spent the night, he messaged me to see if I wanted to go with him shopping and then out to lunch.

It sounds so cliched, but he feels like home to me. All of my usual commitment issues, my “I don’t know if I want a boyfriend” doubts are gone. I would commit to him if he asked. It feels like we’re headed in that direction, but I don’t know. And now I’m so smitten with him that I’m afraid to ask in case I’ve read him all wrong.

I think I’m falling in love. I think he might be, too. The other night we went from what felt like just fucking to something that felt more like making love.

We have plans to maybe hang out tonight (he’s going out for drinks after work, so it depends on what time he heads home and whether I’m still awake or not), but then definitely tomorrow (he’s cooking) and Sunday (I’m cooking).

The only real downside is that we’re keeping all of this quiet at his work. Which is kind of awkward since I’m friends with people he works with (one person there knows that he and I are seeing each other, but also knows that we’re not broadcasting it). But there’s also a ton of gossip that happens there, so I understand him wanting to keep things quiet for now. I hope at some point things will get serious enough that we’ll be more public about it.


I keep meeting all the wrong guys

I know, I know, it’s been forever since I’ve written anything.  I’m not going to go into everything that’s happened since the last time I posted, but I will fill you in on a couple of things.

I’m still incredibly smitten with The Artist. We’ve hung out and had coffee a handful of times, but he lives a couple hours away, so we don’t get together all that often. I know he’s been seeing other people, and so have I, and I have no idea if it’s ever going to move beyond coffee.

I asked him if we  could  make time to really hang out sometime, rather than always squeezing it in between all of our other commitments when I happen to be in town. And he agreed. But I don’t know if he gets that I’m interested, or if he thinks it’s just a friend thing. I guess I’ll find out when we actually hang out.

But that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is that I keep meeting completely the WRONG men. As in, men who are attached.  The first one was my friend’s new guy’s friend. It was totally accidental that we met. He happened to be in town, and  we happened to all run into each other at the bar. And he and I just totally hit it off. Nothing happened, but I think it was obvious to everyone around that there was chemistry. But he has a girlfriend and lives 3+ hours away. So that one’s out.

Then Thursday night I was hanging out with a friend from high school who’s in town. We were at the bar at the ski resort where she’s staying and I ended up sitting next to these two guys from  Canada. One of them I had noticed as soon as he walked into the place (I’m gonna call him Toronto), and we totally had an eye contact moment. So then when I figured out  he’d taken a seat right next to where I was sitting, I definitely had a butterflies moment.

We ended up chatting a lot. Even danced together. And of course, since it was loud, there was lots of leaning in to talk so we could hear each other. And any time he wanted to get my attention  he’d tap my thigh. And he definitely found other excuses to touch me (like, the normal not-creepy kind of thing, not  like groping me). The downside, of course, was that he was wearing  a wedding ring. The worst part is that he  totally kept the flirting to a level appropriate for a married man on vacation. Which of course just makes him hotter. But of course I’m not going to pursue a married man.

I went back the next night, but his wife was there, so I avoided him (and he did the same). I was  definitely bummed, though. All I have is a first name, an age, and the city in which he lives.  But it’s better that way. He’s married, presumably happily, and he lives many many hours away. So it’s not like it would go anywhere. But seriously, this guy was basically perfect.

Hot. Very smart. Amazing sense of humor. Reasonably good dancer. Excellent taste in music. A great conversationalist. And did I mention hot?

I just want to meet a nice guy who’s into me who’s  single.  Is that too much to ask????